Monday, October 11, 2010

Instead of Playing Starcraft...

...I decided to write again...because I am troubled and back to figuring things out for a better life...

I've always been terrible at expressing myself verbally. Always have been, but most people wouldn't say that. People have said I'm a social butterfly, that I have smooth game when talking to girls, and that I'm even an ass sometimes. I wonder what gave them that impression...I have a hard time approaching people my own age to talk, I get nervous around girls, and it even takes me a while to figure out how to make fun of and tease people (I don't bully though, if that's what you were thinking. I just like to tease my friends sometimes without breaking boundaries). Maybe that's why I'm drawn to the arts. It makes sense...those who can't express themselves verbally or in common ways are drawn to the arts, and let me tell you...everything you need to know about me is in my dance.

It's true! A little while ago I was actually very reserved and kind of to myself, and not very confident. How did that translate in my dancing? All my moves were closed in, and I never extended my arms and limbs outside a certain perimeter. I'm scared of not knowing because if I go into something without knowing all the details, I can't perform to the highest ability. Translation: lots of repeating in the freestyle circle (I've been trying to break this though). I have a need be accepted by everybody and to fit in everywhere. Translation: I have a very strong need and desire to be good at every style of dance.

Ethan says: "You need more confidence, and you need to stop hanging out with just Asians." So that's what I'm trying to do...

Anyway, the main reason why I came back was because I suddenly needed a place to put and write my ideas down on a white screen to...share...with...the...world...Haha, wow, that sounds stupid. But yeah, I'm starting wonder if I'm really doing things to the best of my ability, if I'm making the most of my time or not. Like, I'm doing OKAY in school and OKAY in dance...but that's not good enough for me...I need to strive for a 4.0 G.P.A. and have astounding progress in dance. Ugh, but that's unrealistic...at least the former is. For some reason, dance is fun to me...like REALLY fun, but it's not an addiction like I need it to be. I want to be like that gamer nerd who can't stop thinking about video games and then turns his console on to play right when he's done with class or work...pretty much what I used to be, but I want it in dance now...I want that addiction...I NEED progress. I NEED to see results and be stronger than I was yesterday, stronger than I was half a day ago, stronger than I was the minute before last. I need progress...

2 comments:

  1. nothing is unreasonable unless you believe it is.

    get that 4.0

    beast those dances.

    cause i'm comin for ya ;]

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