I never thought that I'd say this but...I get scared...

...when I try to hold your hand.

Instead of Playing Starcraft...

...I decided to write again...because I am troubled and back to figuring things out for a better life...

I've always been terrible at expressing myself verbally. Always have been, but most people wouldn't say that. People have said I'm a social butterfly, that I have smooth game when talking to girls, and that I'm even an ass sometimes. I wonder what gave them that impression...I have a hard time approaching people my own age to talk, I get nervous around girls, and it even takes me a while to figure out how to make fun of and tease people (I don't bully though, if that's what you were thinking. I just like to tease my friends sometimes without breaking boundaries). Maybe that's why I'm drawn to the arts. It makes sense...those who can't express themselves verbally or in common ways are drawn to the arts, and let me tell you...everything you need to know about me is in my dance.

It's true! A little while ago I was actually very reserved and kind of to myself, and not very confident. How did that translate in my dancing? All my moves were closed in, and I never extended my arms and limbs outside a certain perimeter. I'm scared of not knowing because if I go into something without knowing all the details, I can't perform to the highest ability. Translation: lots of repeating in the freestyle circle (I've been trying to break this though). I have a need be accepted by everybody and to fit in everywhere. Translation: I have a very strong need and desire to be good at every style of dance.

Ethan says: "You need more confidence, and you need to stop hanging out with just Asians." So that's what I'm trying to do...

Anyway, the main reason why I came back was because I suddenly needed a place to put and write my ideas down on a white screen to...share...with...the...world...Haha, wow, that sounds stupid. But yeah, I'm starting wonder if I'm really doing things to the best of my ability, if I'm making the most of my time or not. Like, I'm doing OKAY in school and OKAY in dance...but that's not good enough for me...I need to strive for a 4.0 G.P.A. and have astounding progress in dance. Ugh, but that's unrealistic...at least the former is. For some reason, dance is fun to me...like REALLY fun, but it's not an addiction like I need it to be. I want to be like that gamer nerd who can't stop thinking about video games and then turns his console on to play right when he's done with class or work...pretty much what I used to be, but I want it in dance now...I want that addiction...I NEED progress. I NEED to see results and be stronger than I was yesterday, stronger than I was half a day ago, stronger than I was the minute before last. I need progress...

100 day fail xD

Okay, so I failed my 100 day thing, but I guess it was worth a shot hahahaha. But yea, nothing really to write today...just like yesterday =\ So until next time!

Day 4: It's just one of THOSE days

I'm actually having writer's block right now; as in, I don't know where to start because I just came back from watching the Karate Kid!!!! Freaking amazing movie! Jackie Chan did a great job as the new Mr. Miyagi. Definitely a movie that I'm going to end up buying once it comes out on Blu Ray/DVD.

Today was one of those "bum around and do nothing productive" days. So, i decided to milk it for all it was worth. Well, it's more like it milked me for all I was worth...because it was also one of those "I think I'm just gonna throw money around" days. Want to know what I spent money on today? Sure you do! Lunch with friends, $11; playing Initial D in the arcade, $10; drink from Starbucks, $3.50; watching a movie and treating a friend, $21. Geez...I really need to cut down on my spending; maybe even eat lunch at home for once. Aish.

I guess if you're looking for "Rain's thought of the day", my thought was, "Who do you think will be in your circle of friends just a few years from now? I'm almost 20 years old, and in a few years, I'm going to be seriously working! With that, things are going to change...for better or for worse (kind of like marriage...game over man...haha just kidding...kinda...), but hopefully they'll be better! When you think of it, your friends in high school aren't necessarily your friends in college; and those friends in college aren't necessarily going to be your friends anytime after those four lovely years are gone.

Okay, whatever...Rain is tired and sleepy. These thoughts will be continued at a later date in more detail...maybe. =P

Day 3: Like A New Toy

Okay, so it's like 2:30 AM, and I missed 24 hours. But I don't count a day as over until I have either fallen asleep or the sun has risen, so I'm still good for my 100 days. Geez, figures that I would already forget to post by day 3, but such is the way of Rain...

New Toy! I got a Blackberry Tour today! I'm majorly happy about this upgrade, especially since I really hated my old phone, the LG Dare. Well, I didn't really hate it per se, but let's say I could do without the echoing on the phone, the unresponsive touch screen, and just the oldness of it. This Blackberry though...I never actually thought I was a Blackberry type of guy, but then I figured, "Why not? I'll give it a shot." So I did, and I'm quite happy about it. It's nice to have a keyboard that I can actually feel now, and have the internet at the tips of my fingers at all times.

With a new Blackberry, I'd say that this day was pretty damn good, but the goodness didn't start there. I went back to the city again today, but I had to wake up at 8:30 AM. Ugh...Boo hoo, right? Yes, boo hoo! I haven't had to wake up that early since first semester of this past year! Let alone, it's summer! But I have to say that it was worth it. I've been waiting for months to be able to finally take class with this one teacher who taught waving. Waving is my strongest area of dance, and this guy showed me waving that I've never seen in my life. It made me realize I knew jack shit about waving haha. I was humbled and blown away, and he kept laughing and telling me, "I can see your eyes popping out of your head...again!" This teacher was amazing, he's an old school head too! Watching him wave in new ways gave me new inspiration. It was kind of like I went into class and he handed me a large sack of toys, Santa Claus style. I felt like a kid again.

Day 2: What Drives You?

I remember a few weeks ago, Ethan and I were standing outside our studio talking about how to improve my dance ability. The first thing he said was, "Mindset is everything," but this time, there was something different...

"When you try to hit that freeze (a freeze is a trick that you see b-boys/breakdancers do when they're upside down in strange positions) during practice, why do you do it? Is there any meaning behind the freeze? Because if you're just doing it so you have it, it's just going to be another trick in your book; but if you have meaning, it'll raise your dancing to the next level."

He followed by giving me an example of his friend's drive to dance. Something about wanting to be a better father than his father was to him, and he couldn't do it unless he got the freeze. It sounded kind of unrelated at the time, but it made sense to me when I thought about it.

The reason why I brought this up was because today I was supposed to take a locking class in the city today. Oh, by the way...locking is a funk style of dancing that incorporates party dances and unique dance moves such as Uncle Sams, wrist rolls, and such; but back to my story. So, I was supposed to take the class today, and I usually take a bus to get there; but low and behold, I got on the bus and forgot my wallet, so, I couldn't purchase a bus ticket, and I missed class. Now, the thing that really got to me was that i wasn't really sad about missing class (which I think I should be sad about!). If I really loved hip-hop that much, this class would mean everything to me, right? But as I walked away from the bus, I remembered the talk that Ethan gave me. Sure, I went to class because I wanted to get better at dancing; yeah, I went to the gym to become stronger so that I could b-boy more efficiently; of course, I stuck around Ethan because he had the knowledge I needed to become a better dancer. But for what?!?!?!?!?!

Why do I dance?! What is my drive?! These are the questions that I asked myself as I walked back into my car to drive home from the bus stop. Ethan told us that we need to express ourselves when we dance, but if that's the only thing that makes me love dance so much, I don't think hip-hop will become anything more than just a hobby, and I refuse to believe that. Several things crossed my mind as to what my purpose was to dance. One idea was that I've never really pushed myself to the limit with anything before, and that i wanted to prove to myself that i wasn't lazy. Another idea was that people didn't believe that i was good at anything, so i wanted to prove them wrong. But when I really thought about it, just proving something wouldn't be enough either, because it wasn't something personal.

Hip-hop was all about the struggle of these kids back in the 1970s, and I need to embrace that and struggle. Life has been so easy for me because I knew exactly how to handle every situation and I never really took challenging paths, so finding something so personal to attach to hip-hop is quite a challenge for me, but I need to do it. Because if I don't attach something meaningful to something as simple as taking a class, taking that class would be meaningless, and I wouldn't have learned anything valuable because I would not have the right drive and mindset to take the class.

Day 1: People Are People

Figures that I would feel sick...maybe I shouldn't have gone those dance classes yesterday haha. Nah, I'm glad i went. My back and neck kill right now (i don't know why...maybe it's because I slept wrong or something...or maybe not...) and I've got this headache/gross feeling up my nose and down my throat. You know, the kind of feeling you get before you get your full blown flu. But anyway, that didn't keep me from going to my home studio and teaching today!

Yes, that's right! I taught my first hip-hop class today! Well, not really taught...I kind of just subbed for my own teacher, Ethan, because he couldn't make it to class today. The kids were interesting, and the atmosphere was different than how it was in "dance scene practices" in the past for Asian shows. Oh yea, that's right, I forgot to mention that I'm an Asian American; not that it really matters because people are people, right? Well about these Asian shows. I was a choreographer for a scene where i would, obviously, have to teach a bunch of non-dancer college kids how to do dances and put them in formations and such. Now, the difference between the show and this class I taught today was that the kids in class actually showed me respect...it was weird. (On a side note...I REALLY want to play bioshock right now...I just got it on my mac and it's craaaazzzzzyyyyy!!!!) During class, I was subbing with Ethan's assistant and apprentice to the dance crew I'm in (Ethan teaches us. Our studio calls us a hip-hop company, but we prefer to call ourselves a crew.). Her name is Victoria. She's pretty cool, but she used to harass the shit out of my little sister, Erin (also an apprentice), back in the day; so Erin hates her. I'm sure she'll come around though. People change once they're exposed to hip-hop. They become less insecure, less egotistical, and they heal. So, I'm counting on that; because Victoria seems to be a really interesting girl. She knows what's up. She doesn't expect guys to chase after her while she just stands around and acts cute. Oh, and did I mention that she's decided to make me her man-target?

Yeah...well, anyway, I talked to Ethan about this and he finds it hilarious. I really don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm Asian, I only went for Asian girls in the past, and she's Polish. But talking about Victoria got Ethan and me onto the topic of race ("Racial" kind of race. Not cars going zoom zoom). The talk made me realize that yeah, race doesn't matter. Black, white, yellow, brown, whatever...Asian Americans these days and people in general like to tag their friends as "the token Indian guy", "the token black man", "the white girl", and blah blah. It's actually really ignorant when I think about it. I remember when I was on campus, I would address my friend, Matt, as "black man" because he was the only black guy amongst approximately seventy Asians in the ASIAN AMERICAN CLUB. I was ignorant, granted that I still referred to him as Matt at any other time except while greeting him. My friend Rob was talking to me the other day and was telling me about his group of friends he had made in college this past year. "So there's these two white guys, the Indian guy, a black guy, and me, the Asian guy," he says. That killed me. It wasn't because of him, but because I realized that I was trapped inside this Asian American bubble where it was unusual for us to hang out with a diverse group of friends. The same thing happened when I decided to chase after my first Caucasian girl. All my friends (95% of all my friends are Asian, if you haven't caught on already) went "What?! She's white!" That was the first thing out of their mouths. Then came the, "She's cute, man." When the race of the girl suddenly becomes more surprising than her attractiveness, I would like to think that something is wrong...or skewed. "Race doesn't become a big deal unless we make it one,"Ethan said to me, "There is beauty in all cultures." After joining this crew about a year ago, I believe it; and I want to break out of this bubble. Because when it really came down to it, I forgot that Ethan was Asian when I was talking to him face to face at the dinner table. When we started talking and the fact hit me that he was indeed an Asian, my mind was blown. It was REALLY surprising to me because I've known him for three years, and in the past year, I don't think I've ever thought of him as an Asian. At least I'm starting to change this aspect of me; and I'm starting with going after girls from other races, because us Asian guys don't really go out of our race much when it comes to dating...heh...

People Are People...Right?